A rush of cool air caresses my face as I drudge through the doors of the church. My body sulks, and I want nothing to do with this place. I glare at everyone with criticism and a hint of jealousy. I am jealous of their faith, and how they can have so much of it. For the next three hours, I sit silently in the pews, struggling to hold back laughter and twiddling my thumbs. I pay attention, but take nothing the preacher says into consideration.

Since the very day I was born, I was Christian. I had picture books illustrating stories from the Bible and there were a few crosses displayed on the walls of my house. I read books about Jesus Christ on Christmas and sometimes prayed in my room at night.

In 7th grade, I discovered Judaism. My grandmother was in a relationship with a Jewish man, and one year, I attended his family’s Passover. I listened to the stories, did the required actions and felt at peace. It all made so much more sense to me than Christianity ever did. I still believed in God, I just felt the stories of the Torah were more believable.

Although I was sure I wanted to be involved in the Jewish lifestyle, I would never have told my parents. I imagined they would be furious and completely unaccepting, so I decided it was in my best interest to keep my mouth shut and continue with their Christian traditions.

And then my life did a complete 180 turn. In the 8th grade, I started exploring and learning more about different religious beliefs. My discoveries through videos and articles on the internet were only the very beginning of figuring out what had been bothering me for years. There was always a part of me that wondered. I wondered if God was really real. I wondered how something like that could even be possible. When I’d ask my friends or family for an answer to these questions, their response was always, “You just have to have faith.”

Faith became something I was gradually losing. Logic flooded my mind. I had so many questions, and their answers spiraled into more questions which resulted in a cycle similar to this:

The Bible starts at the creation of Earth, yet there is no mention of dinosaurs? How can the Bible say our Earth’s creation was completed on the fifth day, and man was made on the sixth? There were dinosaurs on Earth during the Mesozoic period which lasted 186 million years, and this is something most scientists agree with. It is believed that the Bible was written in sixth century B.C., while in 1841, British scientist Richard Owen discovered prehistoric fossils. So why does the Bible not mention dinosaurs? To me, the answer is simple: because when the Bible was written, there weren’t any technological advancements, so they weren’t able to find the fossils, and therefore decided to make up the six days of creation story.

Over the past year, the questions had gotten too much and I found myself settling on atheism. It was exactly what I have been looking for, and the community is filled with people I want to surround myself with.

Around my family, I’ve tried to keep my opinions to myself. I’ve been very scared to be open about my feelings on religion, for fear they wouldn’t accept it. Thankfully, my relationship with my parents wasn’t ruined at all, and I finally feel comfortable in what I believe. If you don’t feel like what you’ve been taught is right, go explore. Go do your research until you finally find something you can stick with and be happy following.