Catholicism has always been a part of my life. It’s more part of my culture rather than my religion. 

While my parents aren’t Catholic, I grew up going to mass almost every weekend with my grandparents. While the church choir sang, I’d daydream in the pews and watch dust dance in the light of the stained glass windows. I would go to Sunday school, Catholic summer camp and pray before going to bed. 

There were moments when I felt there was something beyond me I was connecting with — a God of some sort. But I rarely thought of it as the Catholic God; it has never been something I believe that I, as a human, can wrap my head around — and that is OK.

There wasn’t an exact moment I realized I didn’t want to follow a singular religion, god or entity. It was a steady understanding that I was growing out of a pair of shoes. There was no fear, uncertainty or guilt — it was just time to find a new pair of shoes and walk on a new path.

Catholicism will still always be a part of me, similarly to how my name will always be mine and my eyes will always be green. Therefore, I decided to go through with my confirmation. I see it as accepting Catholicism as a companion, rather than as my religion.

I wasn’t always on board with being confirmed. When my grandparents told me they signed me up for confirmation classes in 2024, I was upset. There are beliefs of the church I disagree with, and at the time, I associated confirmation with complete agreement with every Catholic belief. 

My grandparents were hurt by my decision. They co-raised me to be spiritual in the way they were raised to be — to hang a cross above my bed and hold a rosary to my heart. For me, the words “I don’t believe in the Catholic God” are just words; to them – it means eternal hell for their granddaughter. 

I was left with this dilemma: I wanted to respect my grandparents’ wishes and maintain a good relationship with them, but I also wanted to stand firm with what I believed in. The question I asked myself was, “will I not go through confirmation, causing tension between my grandparents and I out of stubbornness, or will I reassess the way I view confirmation?”

 After nights of mulling over how I would approach the situation, I realized things did not have to be black or white. I had to meet them in a middle ground.

Meeting in the middle ground isn’t always easy, especially when my grandparents get irritated if I don’t pray before I eat or go to the charity events held at the church. But I know in the end, I will be happy with my decision because a lot of good has come out of my experience in the church. 

Growing up in the church has given me the ability to hear the other sides of an argument, even when I disagree and to talk to people of all faiths openly, in depth and with sensitivity. Lastly, it has given me a home almost everywhere I go. Even though I don’t agree with every belief they hold, the structure of mass will be the same no matter where I am, like the rhythm of comforting prayers and the scent of incense. 

I am Catholic — not spiritually nor religiously, but culturally. That is why I choose to be confirmed, so I can redefine what it means for me to be Catholic and meet those I love, but disagree with, in the middle — holding onto my convictions while maintaining respect in the relationships most important to me.