Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past — a feeling I’ve grown familiar with since turning 18. 

I’ve felt “grown up” for a while now. For as long as I can remember, I’ve taken things too seriously, taken responsibility when I didn’t need to and recognized the importance of my decisions.

I missed out on being a kid.

I spent too much of my youth being worried about the wrong things, whether it was how my grades looked, how I could take care of those around me or the pressure I put on myself to do better. I missed out on the joy of innocence and no responsibilities. 

Since turning 18 in October, I’ve felt a sense of regret. I regret that I didn’t spend more time with my friends. I regret that I didn’t meet people sooner. I regret that I didn’t enjoy the time when I had no responsibilities. 

Being an older brother, I have always viewed it as my responsibility to protect and guide my younger siblings. I had to do everything right and set a good example for them. In hindsight, I realize that I didn’t need to do that because my parents were there every step of the way for them, and by taking that responsibility on myself, I harmed my own experience of being a kid. I was too focused on making sure my siblings were happy, rather than focusing on my own happiness and experience. 

I’ve started to realize that I lost that precious time of being a kid. I had fun and did everything a kid does, but in the back of my mind, I knew I was always being too serious and could have let go more. 

The regret slowly built up to anger at myself — for taking things too seriously, for not having fun and for taking on responsibilities that I didn’t need too. It makes me mad to think about the things I could have and should have done, instead of focusing on what I thought was more important. I can’t get that time back — that I’ll never be a kid again.

Now that I am an adult, I have more responsibilities and less time to enjoy the silly, fun things in life. I realized that I wasted a good portion of my childhood worrying about pointless things, which led me to revisit some old TV shows and cartoons that I enjoyed, like “Star Wars: The Clone Wars.” Rewatching the shows I watched as a kid was insightful because as I watched them, I remembered the fond memories I had as a kid. I looked through my memories and saw a kid who didn’t know anything better about the world, who hadn’t yet seen the difficulty and wasn’t exposed to all of the horrendous things happening around the world.

Watching those old shows made me want to relive some other special moments from when I was a kid. They inspired me to play with old toys — not the same way I would as a kid, but to revisit old memories. I found my old Nintendo 3DS and “Pokémon” games that I used to be obsessed with, and I played them for hours. The games brought me a sense of joyfulness because I remembered a time where I would play them with my friends for hours on end. 

I used to create intricate storylines and have battles with my younger brother using Legos, but now we live through those intricate parts of life — they aren’t just stories in our imagination. We don’t spend as much time together; focusing on our own worlds has become an individual battle, rather than creating a new one with each other. 

But we have still found ways to share our passions and spend time together. We’ve both started our own collections of Hot Wheels. It is becoming a bit of an addiction, but I’m happy because it means we can spend more time with each other before I go off to college. 

I look back on being a kid with a sense of longing, which is why I seek out things that are nostalgic to me. I want to go back to a time where I had no responsibilities other than the ones I put on myself. I took the time I had as a kid for granted. All I wish I can do is sit down and play, enjoy time with my siblings and hang out with friends. 

I’ve made it my goal to enjoy the little things and let the child inside of me out. I’ll keep playing with Legos and building different worlds. I’ll keep collecting Hot Wheels and finding ways to connect with my brother even when miles apart. I’ll keep rewatching old shows and stepping back into my childhood. Because, in reality, I just want to be a kid again.