“What if we took him to the hospital sooner?” I could’ve said goodbye.

“What if he didn’t smoke?” I could’ve saved him. 

I used to think “you only live once” was the most cliche phrase, but when I lost people close to me and saw firsthand how we really only live once, it all hit. Living a life of grief has come with a life of regret. All the times I’d dwell over what I could’ve and should’ve done have consumed me to a point that destroyed me. 

After I lost my grandpa, it took four years for things to be put into perspective. The life he lived was one of a kind, but that’s exactly it — it was one, singular life. It took me losing him to realize how important it is to live every day to the fullest, so when I look back, I can be proud of the things I did, rather than regret what I didn’t. 

I try to focus on all that I did for him, all the times I told him I loved him and all the times I hugged him, using that as fuel to do the same for the people in my life now. There will always be a million things I didn’t do that I could’ve and should’ve, but there are a million things that I did do; those things are what define me and my love, not the infinite amount of things that will always linger in the back of my mind. 

The “I could haves” and “I should haves” have shown me how important it is to live life to the fullest no matter what. Sometimes, it takes new experiences to heal from the past, but people letting emotions prevent themselves from living life every day are committing to an endless loop of regret. 

I used to think about what would have happened if we took my grandpa to the hospital sooner, but now I think about how I got so much time with him and have numerous memories that are unique to the both of us. I used to think about how I should’ve said goodbye, but now I know that no goodbye would ever be real because he’s still here, living through me and the people that love me. 

I used to think he wouldn’t have had lung cancer and died if he didn’t smoke; now I know that, though it’s dangerous, it’s what brought him peace. He needed it, and he lived a beautiful life regardless of the bad habit. I used to think I could’ve saved him, but now I know that I already did. I gave him a person to love and another person to live for — that saved him long before any treatment could have. 

Adding days to life isn’t possible, but adding life to the days we live is. Death is a one time thing, and so is life, but with life comes a different opportunity to live every day.