I’ve always associated grief with death; it just made sense.
The day my grandpa died, I felt a pit in my stomach — one I had felt before. The utter sense of mourning that consumed me was all too familiar. It was like I had witnessed people die my entire life — but that wasn’t the case.
That was the day I realized my definition of the word “grief” wasn’t close to reality. I lived a life full of heartache without realizing it. The feeling was evident in every message left “delivered.” It was felt on every walk in the hallway, seeing people I used to know everything about. It was even felt in every social media post I saw because I’m left to watch lives through pictures.
Although grief is often associated with the death of a loved one, it isn’t limited to it. The feeling of losing a friend due to an argument and missing someone who is still alive — it’s all different aspects of the same feeling. For most of my life, I’ve lived with two prominent feelings: mourning and guilt. Missing someone who isn’t in this world shouldn’t be a similar feeling to missing someone who I walk past every day, but even though only one body is buried, the memories of both are buried in the back of my mind.
When people in my life have passed away, I had the closure of knowing there’s nothing I can do; there’s no way to bring them back into my life. But knowing that some of the people who were most important to me at one point are now strangers makes me want to forget that version of myself — making myself a stranger too.
At 2 years old, when I lost my favorite toy, I was grieving. At 5 years old, when I lost my favorite bracelet, I was grieving. At 12 years old, when I lost most of my friends, I was grieving. At 13 years old, when I lost my grandpa, I was grieving.
But, at 14 years old, my love for basketball expanded. It was the only “toy” I needed. At 15 years old, I found the bracelet I had been missing for 10 years — my grandpa had kept it in a safe place throughout my years of growing up. At 16 years old, I realized that the people in my life were there for a reason, while the ones who weren’t were merely a lesson. And, at 17 years old, I found ways to feel my grandpa’s love, even without him here.
It took me years to find ways to cope with loss, no matter what it was. I’ve lived a life full of grief, and although that won’t go away, I found ways to live through it. Grief isn’t universal or limited, it can be about anything and anyone, in any given circumstance. It’s reminded me of the importance of valuing the things I have and finding ways to remember what I don’t.
