I stood in a crowd of sweaty teenagers as my church’s band performed on the stage. Although I was in a sea of people, I felt like the only person in that room.
My head rested in folded hands, tears streaming down my face, as I completely forgot that hundreds of people could see me. I was immersed in the song that was playing.
“I’ve been washed from the inside out…”
Everyone listened to the lyrics, but to me, the words had a different meaning. By the following night, that phrase would be true.
In less than 24 hours, I was getting baptized.
Two years ago, I would’ve proudly preached my disbelief. After years of struggle, I made a public commitment to follow my faith on July 20.
In the days approaching my baptism, I felt almost every emotion under the sun: anxiety, pride, guilt, hopefulness, fear. My head was scattered. Every day I spent at my church’s summer camp was another day closer to my big moment, and with each day that passed, my emotions only grew more intense.
When the day finally came, I spent every minute thinking about it. I felt like I wasn’t even present that day because no matter what I did — whether it was eating breakfast, playing games, hanging out with my friends — the only thing I could think about was what was going to happen that night. We went to our normal nightly worship, and, at the end of it, my youth pastor asked everyone to join us in the courtyard. I walked outside with my best friend at my hip and my heart racing with anxiety.
It was already dark outside, and a large crowd of people began to form around the water tub. I stood there, listening to our pastor give a speech, overwhelmed by the amount of people I had supporting me. Once invited, I nervously stepped into the pool; the cold water sent chills through my body. I knelt down on my knees, taking the moment in. I awkwardly muttered “It’s so cold,” to my pastor as I was shaking in the water —- which I remain unsure if that was because of the water’s temperature or my anxiety. He asked for my first and middle name, as his hands guided me backward into the water.
“Peyton Marie, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.”
I felt the water wash over me, and when I came up, I felt overwhelming joy. The crowd erupted in cheers, and I began to sob with happiness. I didn’t even realize I was crying, and I didn’t know why I was crying; the emotions I felt were so overwhelming, that even in front of a crowd of strangers, I wasn’t afraid to let them show.
I ran straight to my friends who wrapped me in a group hug. As I hugged them, I felt nothing but gratefulness for them. My mind flashed back to middle school, when I had friends who persistently peer pressured me out of my religion. Being the only Christian in friend groups of people who were against Christianity was isolating. Getting baptized made me feel like I was washing their negativity out of me. Back then, I was pressured to hate God, but when I stood with my current friends, I realized I was surrounded by love and support from the people I cared about most.
I ran to hug my parents, who whispered to me, “I’m so proud of you.” I hugged them both, laying my head on my dad’s shoulder and wetting his shirt with my tears. The hug reminded me of elementary school, where my parents and I were in and out of different churches. First it was a Catholic church that I was never able to find an emotional connection to. Then, a Christian church that I was never consistent with attending. Now, I stood surrounded by people at my current church — somewhere I can confidently call home.
As I finally hugged my best friend and her parents, I knew they were the reason I was standing there. I remember the days during my sophomore year when my best friend would talk for hours about God, which I never paid any attention to back then. I thought of the first time her parents invited me to go to their church with them, and every Sunday after that when I sat next to them.
After years of struggle and isolation, I was free. I finally built a firm foundation through my religion — something I had been missing all of my life. In the days following, I felt so much joy and purity. Even though I have become accustomed to the feeling, it remains a significant part of my life.
I vowed to myself that I would allow this to be an opportunity to become a better person, and truly model a follower of Christ. On that day, I publicly announced myself as a Christian, and every day since, it has made me want to become a better friend, daughter, sister, student and person.
It’s not always easy; no matter how “good” of a Christian I want to be, I have to understand no one is perfect. As my favorite bible verse says, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” It is a constant reminder to me that I am loved, and I am more than any of my sins, my past, my mistakes and all of the other things that may get in my way.
Today, I can proudly say that I have been washed from the inside out, and I have never felt more grateful.
