I’ve always looked forward to the holidays.
Everyone around me said it was the best time of the year and, for the first 13 years of my life, I agreed with them. Now, I don’t know how I feel about it, and I’ve learned that it’s OK to be in that place.
Holidays have always been made up of different things for me: Christmas games, family trips, staying in, spending time with my friends and watching movies with hot chocolate. Regardless of what I’m doing for the holidays, I have always been surrounded by my family, and though that’ll be the same for me, some of the aspects of this “perfect” holiday season won’t.
The worst day of loving someone is losing them, but many forget about the other days where it hits you the worst. During the holidays, there are times where family trips are planned for five instead of six, when we draw out 26 names for secret santa instead of 27 and when I wake up to one grandparent, instead of two. All these little things hit me harshly, regardless of how many years it has been or how much time I’ve had to process.
Grieving isn’t standardized or predictable; it hits you in ways you would never expect. Even though my grief has never stayed consistent, finding comfort in the people and things that are still here helping me navigate through life is what gets me through it.
My best friend makes sure I’m reminded that it’s OK to feel this way on every holiday. The mixed scents of bergamot and sage remind me of my grandpa, who is no longer here to celebrate the holidays with us. The holidays feel incomplete without those vital members, and even though their book may be over, they’re still characters in my story. My grandpa knew I couldn’t live without him, and he made sure I didn’t have to by giving me people that represented him in different ways and kept him alive in my story for as long as I continue to write it.
It’s important to find comfort in the things that are still here. Nothing can ever make grief easy, but things can make it easier to handle on hard days. Sometimes, all I need is a hug to make things easier; other days, I just need someone to talk to. The holidays have always been about being with my people and finding comfort in these important little things has shown me the value of life and the people that we have in it.
After losing my grandpa, my priorities and my entire thought process changed. Pretending to be OK for the sake of the people I love during the holiday season helped me block out and avoid my grief, but that has never made me truly feel better. It’s important to find comfort in the things that still provide it for you.
Holiday cheer has always been a prominent thing in my life. Whether it be at school or at home, the holiday season will forever make a part of my childhood heart light up with joy. Still, the part that belongs to the people I love who are gone will forever ache in pain at the same time.
I’ll be making five warm cups of hot chocolate instead of six, but I’ve learned to hold onto the memories that will forever remain in that empty cup.
